Finding Hope: A Letter to My Younger Self

I recently watched the movie, “My Old Ass”. The title sounds like it would be a comedy, which in a lot of ways it is. It stars Aubrey Plaza. She is known for her genius in comedy in TV shows like “Parks and Recreation”. Maisy Stella also stars in it. I didn’t know much about her, but the trailer for the movie looked like it would be a good laugh. The main plot is that Maisy’s character is 18 years old, about to go off to college, takes some shrooms with her friends and is visited by her older self, played by Aubrey Plaza.

The movie was hilarious. What I didn’t expect was that it would also make me cry and deeply contemplate parts of my own life. I won’t spoil it if you haven’t seen it but if you plan to watch it, just know there is a twist at the end of the movie. Throughout the movie, however, Aubrey’s character is able to teach her younger self about slowing down and enjoying the moments that she will never have again. It gives her younger self gratitude for where she is at in this particular moment in time. Aubrey also learns some lessons from her younger self. She realizes that if she hadn’t made those mistakes and decisions back then, she wouldn’t be the person she is today.

There are many more lessons to be gleaned from this movie but those are the main ones that I took from it. I was able to look back on my own life and see when I was younger how I just wanted to be older. I didn’t always treat those closest to me, especially my family, as kind as I could have. I didn’t stop to savor the moments when I was in them, I just wanted to get to the next thing. I made some decisions that took me down a path I didn’t want to be on. And many other things happened as well.

In recovery, we have a saying, more of a promise: “we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it”. It took me a long time to grasp what that meant. When I was drinking, I did and said things that I wish I could take back and things that I don’t want to remember. Why wouldn’t I want to shut the door on the past?

The longer I have stayed sober and the more I learn about life and myself, I realize that I want to keep that door to the past open. I cannot change the past; what’s done is done. But the past is what brought me to the present. Without my alcoholism, I wouldn’t have the gift of sobriety. Without looking at past mistakes, I wouldn’t know how to change my behavior for the future. Without pain, there would be no gratitude for joy. If I shut the door on that, I have no memory to pull from to learn anew.

I thought about what I would want to say to my younger self if I had the chance to go back in time. I wouldn’t want to change anything that has happened because it all happened for a reason and purpose. But I thought about the young woman who knew she was gay and was terrified of being who she was, of letting anyone know. I wanted to give her some hope and to let her know it was going to be ok, when she was ready. So, below is a letter to that young woman. I hope she knows I love her.

Dear Theresa,

I know. I know how much you are hurting. I know you wish so desperately that you could change who you are. You’ve prayed and you’ve cried, you’ve offered everything to God to make you different, to make you straight. You know all of the teachings of the Church; you know the Theology of the Body inside and out. You know that to act on what feels so innately given is considered wrong, a sin, “intrinsically disordered”. I want to let you know: it’s going to be ok.

You are going to find people in this world who know exactly how you feel and they are going to love you until you can love yourself. They know what it feels like to love God and to be gay and they are going to show you that you can do and be both. You are going to learn that God loves you exactly the way that He created you; that you are not broken, in need of fixing. You are beloved, just as you are. You are going to fall in love and it’s going to feel amazing and God will bless you in that.

Just hold on, a little longer. I promise, all of the pain that you feel now is nothing compared to the joy that is coming. It will not all be easy, but it will be worth it. I love you. God loves you. There is nothing wrong with you.

Love,

Me.